It’s the last Thursday of the month, so you know what time it is. Here’s my July movie preview:

Spider-Man: Far From Home (July 2nd)

And here it is ladies and gentlemen, the last MCU film of Phase 3. It’s also the film that will show us the future of the MCU, as we have hints of a multiverse. To be honest, I don’t believe it one bit. Mysterio is a villian, and always will be a villain. He’s a master of manipulation and I think this whole multiverse thing is a con by him while he is really controlling The Elementals. But, either way, we should learn more about how Marvel plans to handle the “Post Avengers” MCU in this film and the weeks to come. I’m not super excited to see this film, but I do love Spider-Man and I think it will be pretty good.

Midsommar (July 3rd)

I’ve never been more excited to shit my pants in my entire life. This is the 2nd film by Ari Aster, director of last years top horror film Hereditary, and he’s only getting started. A good horror movie sticks with you more than anything in film. I still remember in high school watching Insidious in my basement with some friends, and the Red Face jump scare making us all wish we never started the film. It’s the same feeling I had watching the last 15 minutes of Hereditary in theaters. Just absolute utter terror. This film will be a bit different though, as most of the horror seems to be happening in broad daylight, which scares me even more. The dark alone is terrifying, but if you’re gonna make an equally scary film set entirely during the day, you have to make it fucking bonkers. I’ll be there on opening day fully kitted with an adult diaper.

Stuber (July 12th)

What the fuck is this film? Has Hollywood not seen enough “guy gets in taxi, convinces the driver he needs his help, and the two go on to be an action comedy duo” films to know that they don’t fucking work? Look, I get it. Dave Bautista is a funny guy, and a pretty good actor in the MCU. And Kumail Nanjiani was great in The Big Sick and Silicon Valley. But regardless of their pairing, this film has almost 0 chance to succeed. The director hasn’t directed a good film since 2014! And even that was only a 73% Fresh romcom! How does he even have a job? This film wont even be worth a BJ in an empty theater. Prediction: Snooze-fest.

Crawl (July 12th)

Let me preface everything I’m about to say by stating: there is no reason to be optimistic about this film. The director hasn’t made a good horror film since Piranha 3D, which was a wacky weird and kinda B film style horror flick. But for some reason, I’m intrigued. We’ve seen tons of “monster horror” films, especially with sharks, but crocodiles/gators are always a draw to me because they’re so rare. I mean outside Lake Placid, name another crocodile movie? (Most of you didn’t even know what Lake Placid was did you…see my point?). This has extremely low budget for a studio film, but maybe that will help it out. I’ll give it a try if there’s nothing else to do that weekend.

The Art of Self-Defence (July 12th)

Is Jessie Eisenberg finally going to be in good movies again? God I hope so. He used to be one of my favorite actors. Adventureland, Zombieland, The Social Network, Now You See Me; I mean he used to be so good. Then he played Lex Luthor in a horrible Batman vs Superman and he fell off the face of the Earth. Now though, he seems to be back and ready to kick ass and a shy weird guy who gets addicted to karate. The director has only made one other film but it received critical acclaim and I don’t see any reason this should be any different. It probably won’t be showing at any of the big theaters, so make sure you find your local weird hipster tiny theater that probably serves gluten free nachos with organic guacamole. Question: isn’t organic quac just a raw avocado? Does it get more organic than that? (I clearly have no idea what organic is).

The Lion King (July 19th)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM SO HYPE. I don’t understand anyone who isn’t. This movie was my childhood. It’s the best Disney Animated Movie of all time. It’s being directed by Jon Faverau, who you absolutely should know, but if you don’t, here’s a quick overview: Elf, Iron Man, Chef, The Jungle Book. Childish Gambino is Simba, Beyonce is Nala, and the original voice of Mufasa is back. This looks absolutely fucking incredible and I’ll fight anyone that says otherwise. It’s my must see movie of July, and that’s saying a ton considering the other films on this list.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (July 26th)

It’s simple: you either love Quentin Tarantino or you don’t. He makes a very unique style of film, and I love it. The cast is awesome, headlined by Leo Dicap, Brad Pitt, and all time smoke Margot Robbie, and it follows an actor and stunt double who somehow get wrapped up in the Manson Family murders in the 60s. I’ll be honest, I know absolutely nothing about that time period or the murders, so I’m really excited to take a Tarantino led tour through history. If Lion King wasn’t being released a week earlier, this would be my must see movie of July. Either way, you can’t go wrong.