Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all are enjoying your holiday and time off. If you’re looking to head to theaters this weekend, be sure to check out last month’s Going Off Script. Because here, we’re diving into December’s lineup. Everyone knows that the last Star Wars film is coming, but there’s actually quite a bit of other films hitting the big screen this month that will be worth seeing.
So let’s dive in:
Daniel Isn’t Real (December 6th)
Daaaaaamn Daniel (I’m sorry I had to do it).
I know what you’re thinking: is that Cole Sprouse? The hunk from Riverdale and former child star of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody? Calm down. Put your boner away. It’s not. It’s a guy named Miles Robbins and this is his first time being the lead actor in a film. Same with the actor who will play Daniel, Patrick Schwarzenegger (yep son of Arnold). And finally, the director’s name is Adam Egypt Mortimer. Read that again. Someone named their child that. What the fuck. But reviews are already out for this film and it’s got a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, so yea I’m in. I’m also already terrified because it looks like dementia is going to play a role in this film and I honestly would rather die than have that. Like I give all my loved ones consent to but a bullet in my head when it starts. Not a must-see unless you’re a horror fan.
Jumanji: The Next Level (December 13th)
I never saw the 2017 Jumanji, and I don’t plan on it. Don’t get me wrong: I love this cast. The Rock and Kevin Hart have the best bromance in the world, Jack Black is always great, and Karen Gillan has proven that redheads aren’t just hot, they’re fierce(…ly hot). But nothing about this film interests me. I’m still a huge fan of the 1995 film and I just don’t like the whole “action” spin that The Rock has on every film he touches. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Still, probably a good family film and way better than getting dragged into a Charlie’s Angels showing.
Black Christmas (December 13th)
Man, the horror genre came out to play this December huh? This doesn’t look scary; it looks funny. I’m sorry I just can’t take a slasher that wields an icicle seriously. It also looks really smutty, which I would expect from a horror film centered around a bunch of sorority girls. Normally, I think I would absolutely pass on this film but the director actually has a very good track record. Also, isn’t this just the perfect film to see drunk with your friends when they come home for the holidays? Yep, and I’ll see you there with my Coca-Cola Icee and airplane bottles of Jack Daniels (major key).
6 Underground (December 13th)
Have we not seen enough serious action films starring Ryan Reynolds to know they don’t work? He’s a funny guy, not an action guy. Deadpool only works because he’s literally cracking a joke every 2 minutes and he’s a badass superhero. Oh, and Michael Bay is the director, so you know he blew 75% of his budget on CGI and explosions. This is gonna suck, but thank god it’s on Netflix and not in theaters. That way I don’t have to get drug to theaters to see it. Because that’s the only way I’m seeing this: drugged. Heavily. Gonna take a lot of Flintstone Gummies and heroin to enjoy this clusterfuck.
Bombshell (December 13th)
Holy shit, Megyn Kelly looks exactly like Charlize Theron.
Am I the only one who thinks this trailer is a bit weird? Like the teaser was great, but this just has the wrong tone. It’s way too poppy and upbeat for a film about an old guy who uses his power to force young aspiring news anchors to suck his dick. Normally, I’m not a big fan of films with “woke” written all over them, but the screenplay is by the guy who wrote the screenplay for The Big Short, one of my favorite films of all time. And yea, the cast is stacked, with Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, and Margot Robbie taking the lead roles. It’s not something I’m dying to see in theaters, but I’m interested nonetheless.
Uncut Gems (December 13th)
I’ve never liked Adam Sandler. I honestly can’t tell you a single film he’s been in that I’ve enjoyed. I don’t think his form of humor is funny, I don’t think he’s funny, and the last decade of his filmography has sucked. But this movie, this one intrigues me. This seems like the perfect role for him; a dark gritty film about a Jewish gambler who is kinda a sleezeball and probably has a few corny jokes that he uses to get out of trouble. The directors are both very good as well, and who doesn’t want to see Kevin Garnett take his first shot at acting? I’m sold. Don’t disappoint me Adam, I’m believing in you for the first time.
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (December 20th)
I love this trailer. Not because of any specific moment, but because I literally have no idea what the plot of this movie is going to be. This is how trailers should be made. And that score at the end? Phenomenal. Unlike many people out there, I actually didn’t mind The Last Jedi aside from the Leia Poppins part. So I’m excited to see this conclusion to the Star Wars saga. I do wonder why the fuck this is called The Rise of Skywalker though. I really hope it’s not a “we’re all Skywalkers deep down” thing because that would blow baby Ewok dick. And what is the Emperor doing in this film? What role will he have? Is he really alive or just a “force ghost” like Obi-Wan, Yoda, and now Luke? Could you imagine if during the climactic battle between Rey and Kylo Ren that the Jedi and Sith ghosts are there cheering their side on. Like a galactic boxing match. God let’s hope that doesn’t happen either. Regardless, I’m excited and I’ll be at the premiere for sure.
Cats (December 20th)
I guarantee there are 500 freaks with furry fetishes jerking off to this trailer right now.
God, I hate cats. They’re fuckign evil. They lay around all day meowing at you if you don’t give them attention, clawing at you when you give them too much attention, and they lay on your face at 3am in the morning trying to suffocate you (or at least my sister’s cat did). Of all the Broadway shows I could see, Cats is at the bottom of the list, next to Hamilton. It’s The Lion King, then Wicked, then Sweeney Todd, then the janitors cleaning the theater, then those two. But is this gonna be worth watching in theaters? It has a VERY good chance. The director is Tom Hooper, the mastermind behind The King’s Speech, The Danish Girl, and Les Miserables. And of course, you’ve got a star-studded cast including James Corden, Jason DeRulo (?), Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, Rebel Wilson (bleh), and Taylor Swift. It’s not really my type of movie, but I didn’t think The Greatest Showman would be either and I loved that film. Maybe it’ll be a good date movie.
Little Women (December 25th)
This will be a shoe-in for a Best Picture nomination. Where do I even begin? I mean let’s just start with the cast. You’ve got 2x Academy Award nominated actress Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn, Lady Bird) leading the way as Jo, Emma Watson (no intro needed) as Meg, Florence Pugh (Midsommar) as Amy, and newcomer Eliza Scanlen as Beth. Also, one of the best young actors in the world will be playing the male lead: Timothee Chalamet. If I were a betting man (and I am), I would put a ton of money on Chalamet and Ronan getting Oscar nominations for Best Actor/Actress. Last but not least, the director is Greta Gerwig, who has made excellent films like Jackie, 20th Century Women, and Lady Bird. I’m not going to sit here and say I know anything about Little Women. I don’t. But I can’t imagine how this movie is anything less than perfect.
1917 (December 25th)
With a premise similar to Saving Private Ryan, two young up-and-coming actors, and a great supporting cast, I think 1917 also is a Best Picture lock this year. How could it not be? The director is Sam Mendes (Skyfall, Spectre), who wrote the story based on an account his grandfather told him about serving in WW1. The cinematographer is Academy Award winner Roger Deakins (Blade Runner 2049), who will try to make the whole movie look like it was shot in one take. Every single member of this team is incredible, and this movie will be too. This looks like the best war film since Hacksaw Ridge.
Clemency (December 27th)
I guarantee you haven’t heard of this film until now. It’s a deep dive into the phycological effects of being a death row prison warden. I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t want that job. Ever. I don’t care that the most despicable human beings on planet Earth are held there, and they absolutely 100% deserve their sentence. And believe me, Alfre Woodard is going to confirm that feeling in Clemency. She is a phenomenal actress, and she scares the living shit out of me. The director is brand new, and the rest of the cast is ok, so this is something I won’t be seeing in theaters. But when it’s out on streaming services, I might check it out.