Ah, competitive gaming.
There’s nothing like being thrown into an arena and grinding out a match against another sweaty squad. It’s an adrenaline rush injected straight into your veins. But with each competitive game comes a new ranking system, and sometimes you’re left questioning: what does my rank actually mean?
Well don’t worry, I’m here to help you. Regardless of the game you’re playing (FPS, battle royal, MOBA, fighting, or any other genre), here’s what your rank says about you as a human being:
Bronze
You’re a troll. And I mean that in two ways. Either you’re a troll that likes to fuck with people online (which is perfectly acceptable and you should continue what you’re doing), or you’re a real troll. Like your a monster with no control of your hands or fingers and your eyes are like deformed olives that have been soaking in brine for too long.
You’re not good at games because you are literally incapable of being good at games. It’s not your fault; you were #bornthisway. But hey, at least you’re playing so kudos to you I guess.
Silver
You want to be good, you really do, but you have zero clue what the fuck you’re actually supposed to do at all times. So in turn, you’re constantly asking stupid ass questions like “should we group up?”, “should I use my ult?”, “Is the BR better than the SMG?”, “where’s the objective?”. It’s on your fucking HUD JARED YOU DUMB FUCK.
Anyone at a higher rank is seriously questioning if you could change a lightbulb if your life depended on it. You most likely have chosen just one character or gun to play with and have no idea what the word “meta” means. Literally, the difference between silver and gold players is reading the fucking game manual (or nowadays a 10 min “10 easy tricks to get better at *insert game*” video on YouTube).
Figure it out you clam.
Gold
This is where the majority of players end up in any competitive game, which is why it’s the biggest finger-pointing orgy of all time. And, not the good kind of orgy, more like the “I wish I was fucking dead” kind of orgy. Think about how bad that has to be for you to want to kill yourself mid-orgy…
You think you’re really good at the game, but you usually have very middle of the road stats and you use them to say “it’s not my fault, I’m 8-7, but fucking CloutChaser420 is throwing cause he’s 1-13”. In reality, you’re very mediocre at the game, which is why you’re here. You are the middle of the pack in both life and gaming.
It’s better than being a complete fucking idiot. But then again, is it really?
Platinum
This is where the 2nd most players end up. You’re actually decent at the game, to the point where if you were thrown in a match of Silvers/Golds, they would all think you were a pro and constantly spam you game invites as soon as you log on. But, this is also the most toxic rank because you’re on the cusp of being really fucking good. So every match matters to you…too much…
When someone just sucks at the game, you let them know with the fury of a thousand suns. This is about where I am most of the time; just barely better than the rest. So yea, if you’re in Platinum on Overwatch, there’s a very good chance I’ve called you a useless cumrag that your mom uses when she cheats on your dad.
Diamond
You’re very good. Like very good. So good in fact that you think you could maybe stream or go pro. Except, in reality, you’re not at that level just yet.
You’re good enough to play your role at an above-average or even high level, but your team still needs to be mediocre in order for you to grind out a win. Toxicity is still high at this level because your arrogance is equally high. This is also the rank where you start to refuse to play with your real-life friends because your rank matters more than your friendship. Which is fine, because in the end, what are friends really for anyway? I mean who needs human interaction when you are a fucking GOD on the controller.
If women only knew the power you hold in your fingers, they’d be lining up at the door begging for the chance to get their bean tickled.
Master
You are highly skilled at video games. You know every damage spec, every niche detail in the patch notes, and how to perfectly execute the meta. You could probably stream full-time and you might even gain a small following, which will further bolster your arrogance.
Finger-pointing and toxicity is actually higher at this level than at the Platinum and Diamond ranks because your emblem is now shiny and animated. The difference between a win and a loss is so minuet that you basically feel like you’re on crack cocaine as soon as every match starts. (I don’t know what this feels like because I’ve never reached master…or done crack…)
Winning gives you a high better than sex, drugs, and alcohol combined, and a losing streak takes you to a really dark depressing place that only people on Mindhunter have ever experienced. Pray for these people, they need help.
Grandmaster
You’re the elite. You are in the top 1% of all players. You don’t get here solely from talent. You have put more hours into this game than all the people on your friend’s list combined.
It would be sad except you’re living the dream. At this point, you should be monetizing your gameplay because if you’re not, you’re leaving money on the table. Arrogance, toxicity, and finger-pointing are still present, but they’re more understood at this rank. You also have completely abandoned your friends for a team of online randoms that are just as good as you. But who has time for friends when you’re working your ass off to qualify for tournaments and followers!
Fuck everyone else and grind your way to stardom. Work hard, play hard.
