I hate mobile games. Yep, I said it. I hate them. I remember back in college when Angry Birds, Doodle Jump, Words With Friends, and hell even Flappy Bird helped pass the time as wasted my thousands and thousands of dollars of tuition money staring at my phone instead of listening to my professor. Nowadays though it seems that either all the good ideas have run out or everyone is busy repackaging the same shit. But yesterday at their press conference, Apple made an announcement that clearly is gonna change the game. Apple Arcade is coming on September 19th, boasting over 100+ titles that will all be included in their paid subscription service. While this comes as no surprise to those paying attention (this was leaked like 4 months ago), what did come as a complete surprise is the stellar lineup they’re rolling out.

I mean, check this shit out!

Clash of Clans: Definitive Edition

Yea I’m sure you’ve played Clash of Clans before, but I bet you haven’t played it like this! Imagine all the best things about Clash of Clans: building your town, buying all the different classes and villagers, raiding other players towns, raiding your friends towns, getting in physical altercations in the real world after your friends raid your town. Good shit right? Ok, well the Definitive Edition removes all of that, doubles the wait times, and basically all you do is spend hours and hours waiting for your stupid ass mines to get enough material for you to buy like 5 troops just to have some 42 year old fuck who spent $132 on his village raid your village and make you start it all over again. God I can’t wait!

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim for iOS

Finally. Man, Bethesda really knows how to get us going. This is all we’ve been waiting for! And it’s only taken not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but SIX releases for our beloved fantasy open world RPG to make it to its optimal gaming device: your phone. I mean, I’ve been holding out the last 8 years and now I can finally play through this beloved game. No spoilers please!

3D Pinball: Remastered

Don’t even chirp at me boi cause this game is the mothafuckin shiiiiiiiiiit. Look at them graphics. The sound effects are badass. The guy piloting the space cruiser looks like he’s tripping balls. There’s a green planed that looks like a bud of kush. Takes me back to simpler times man.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate: WITH Waluigi

OH MAH GAAAAAAHHHHD THEY DID IT. They fucking did it. All our hopes and prayers have been answered. Thank you Apple. God what move set do y’all think he’ll have? I don’t even know if it matters, I just need to here that “WAAH” ya feel?

Half Life 3

(ok yea this is too far. there’s no chance that this game is ever gonna come out and the Apple Arcade looks like trash ok byeee)