If you still play Fortnite, you have a serious problem. Yep, that’s right. I’m finally calling all you little fuckers out. All these kiddos are waking up at 6:30am, getting on a school bus, going to school, coming home, doing their homework, SNORTING A BIG OLE LINE OF CRACK COCAINE, and logging onto Fortnite.

I mean, how else do you explain this?

I’ve poured over 1000 hours into this game over the years and I don’t even understand how that is mentally possible. Like how do you move and react that fast to teeny-tiny millisecond windows?

The answer: crack. They’re all on crack. Crack mixed with G-Fuel. Hell, G-Fuel is like the “Splenda” of crack already so might as well just snort the fuck out of it to really ride that magic carpet to Victory Royales.

Remember back in 2018 when this game was fun?

That was the shit. There are very few games in this world that have had the effect that Fortnite had on me when it first came out. I used to sneak out of work early to make sure I was on first before anyone in my friend group logged on so I wasn’t the odd man out. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped cooking my own food. Every single waking moment of free time that I had, I was playing Fortnite. I used to talk about how much money I’ve wasted on FIFA packs in college, but if you saw the amount of money I spent on skins, Domino’s delivery, and energy drinks? You’d be appalled.

You wanna know how absurd it really got? At one point, I used to haul my TV and Xbox to a friend’s house so all three of us could play online in the same room. We drank alcoholic “slurp juice” out of mason jars and just got hammered playing hours and hours of Fortnite.

Alcoholic Slurp Juice

-two shots* spiced rum

-1/2 part blue cuereco

-1/2 part coconut rum

-Fill the rest of the glass with Sprite and ice

*when I say “two shots”, I’m talking about that vine where the lady pours a fuck ton of vodka in the glass. That’s how much rum you want.

Sounds like a fun college thing to do right? I’d agree…except we were years removed from college and one of the guys (the host) was married.

But you only really get to experience stuff like Fortnite once in a blue moon. I don’t think there’s anything more fun in gaming than learning a completely new game along with the community. And I’m not talking about a new Call of Duty or Halo, because the people that are good at those games are going to be able to carry over their experience to the next game.

When Fortnite first dropped, it was in its own league. A free-to-play game from a triple-A studio featuring the brand new viral sensation known as a “battle royale”. PUBG wasn’t on consoles yet, so this is all us Xbots and Sony Ponies got to play. I remember telling my friends at the start “this game is dumb, I’m just playing it until PUBG comes to Xbox then I’m out.”

And then PUBG came to Xbox and it was an absolute clusterfuck of PS2 graphics, play-doh buildings, and getting stuck in the map for 5 minutes until the server loaded.

There was so much to learn with Fortnite and the developers just kept on coming, adding new features ever week. Oooo traps? Boogie bombs? Port-a-forts? BALLOONS? CLINGERS?? MINIGUNS??? JETPACKS????

I could go on forever. It was so much fun with something new around the corner every single day.

And then it wasn’t. The grind started to become stale. You’d take a week off to play something else and feel like you were months behind the curve when you got back. And eventually, I started to feel like it was a chore to log on and play for at least 10 hours a week just to stay relevant. So I quit. Not because I gave up on becoming the next Ninja or TSM Myth, but because I decided I wanted to play other games.

Now if I log onto Fortnite, this is what happens:

I don’t mind though. When I think about Fortnite, I don’t look back in hatred of what it’s become. I think about it like that long lost love that I never had because I’ve spent my entire life in front of a screen watching or playing video games because I’m a depressed lonely sack of shit that will never amount to anything if I don’t stop living in a virtual world and start investing in the real one.

Speaking of Karens who won’t shut up about how grown men who play video games are sorry sacks of shit…

Sorry to break it to you. But your children that you think ARE still at an age where playing video games is an acceptable activity?

They’re on crack.