We’re here, the final two. I am probably a little more biased on these two titles than most people, but fuck it it’s my list y’all wanna complain why don’t you go buy a domain with WordPress, learn how to create a website, take a few constructive writing classes in college where your teacher is a fucking bitch who says you doesn’t agree with your interpretation of a GODDAMN COMIC BOOK and make your own gaming blog. God I fucking hate you all…(just kidding please like subscribe and comment $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$).

Onto numbuh deuce:

Numbuh 2: DOOM Eternal

Oh my god doesn’t that trailer make you want to run through a brick wall right now? DAMN. In 2016, Bethesda snatched the series from the evil clutches of Activision, and the DOOM franchise has never been better. When this game first came out 3 years ago, I didn’t even give it a chance. I just kinda glossed over it like I gloss over any comedy film starring a black ensemble cast (it’s not racist, they’re all either mediocre or trash). But I happened to stumble upon it during the Summer of 2017, and decided to give it a try after reading some of the rave reviews. Holy fucking shitballs guys, I’ve said it so many times that regular readers are probably sick of it. Too bad I don’t give two flying monkey fucks; go play DOOM (2016) if you haven’t! There’s isn’t shit coming out for the next 4 weeks so you have time. Get off fucking Fortnite and download it now.

For all the doubters, let me (again) break this game down for you. It is a fast paced first person shooter, where you play as the Doom Slayer against the forces of hell (and apparently now heaven). And when I say fast paced, I mean fast fucking paced. There is no auto heal in the game, and the primary way of healing or getting ammo is killing enemies. So if you try to play the game slow and hide behind cover, you’ll die over and over again. You have to just rush in and kill everything you see. Sounds like a whole lot of mayhem right? For those thinking this is just a mindless linear shooter, there is a decent amount of strategy to each area, and multiple puzzles to be solved. However, keep in mind that this is first and foremost a blood soaked gorefest, meant to jack your testosterone to the highest level and keep it there until you either turn the console off or DIE. (sidebar, can you die from testosterone? Like you probably can’t produce enough naturally to die, but say you took like a ton of steroids and then started playing DOOM. I think its very possible. No scientific backing, just a gut feel.) The campaign is the highlight of the whole game, but there’s other modes as well. One of the new modes is “Invasion”, where you can join someone’s singleplayer campaign and fight against them as the demons. I’ll be honest I hated this type of stuff in the Dark Souls games, but I’m interested in seeing its execution in an FPS. There will be standard multiplayer modes as well like in the 2016 title, but I never really played that so I don’t have much of an opinion.

All in all, this is going to be one of the top 5 games of the year, much less this fall. DOOM Eternal will be released on all platforms on November 22nd, just in time for the holidays. Just how I like to celebrate the Lord’s birth: by shoving a chainsaw down his throat.