I have a confession to make. I tried holding out as long as I could. I really did. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. On Sunday, I finished my first playthrough of Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel (not as good as Borderlands 2 but still worth playing through), and I was lost on what to play next. I realized that I’d already played through most of the games I’d recommended for the 2019 Summer Drought Guide, and was at a loss at what to play next. So, I looked into the Xbox Game Pass. And holy shit guys, you will not believe what they have to offer:

Supermarket Shriek

I mean, what not to like? Don’t tell me this isn’t your deepest darkest fantasy. Everyone has dreamt of walking into their local Walmart with their pet goat, jumping into a shopping cart together, and smashing through the store destroying literally everything in their path. Well, now you can with the Xbox Game Pass! Man I’m getting hyped up just thinking about going home and playing this game for hours upon hours!

Costume Quest 2

My birthday is the day before Halloween, and I love it. Every time I go to a halloween party I just walk around telling people that fact and everyone buys me drinks for free. I’ve never felt more like a girl in my entire life. So you have to imagine how thrilled I was that there is a halloween themed RPG, where you play as children collecting candy. Man, how much money do you think they had to pay the studio to add this to the Game Pass? Has to be millions.

Farming Simulator 2017

Time to get the horses in the back boys! We got not 2019, not 2018, but Farming Simulator 2017 is available on the Game Pass! Hoooo-eeeeee-doggy! I just can’t wait to get home and hop aboard my virtual John Deere while I play some Luke Bryan in the background and plow this field for an hour! Then I’m gonna marry me a good ol farm girl from FarmersOnly.com and we gon make some chicklets. I’ll end my night by telling Farmer Carl that he’s a bitch and I’m gonna jack up the price of milk. Can the Game Pass get any better???

Graveyard Keeper

Oh. Boy. Slather me in mustard and grill me for 5 minutes because HOT DOG. They put a graveyard builder on the game pass?? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s like all my wildest dreams came true! I’ve always wanted to build my own Clash of Clans meets Stardew Valley graveyard! Can’t wait to screenshot it and send my awesome badass cemetary to all my friends! Yeet!

Ryse: Son of Rome

Please stop, I can only masturbate so much. So you’re telling me that if I buy the Game Pass, I can play the mediocre Roman Centurion action RPG that launched with the Xbox One? Duuuuude. That’s value right there.

Snake Pass

Do I even need to say anymore? You’re a cartoon snake solving puzzles! I’d absolutely rather play this game than anything that’s come out in the last 5 years!

Viva Pinata AND Vivia Pinata: Trouble in Paradise

QUICK! Someone let DATHO3 know that his favorite game series is on the Game Pass! He can finally fulfill his Latino boy toy fetish for only the cheap price of $14.99 a month! I mean I don’t even know what the fuck you are supposed to do in this game but I’m so excited to play around with giant colorful pinata animals!

On a serious note, I actually did buy the Xbox Game Pass because most of the games I mentioned in the summer drought guide were included in the pass. Also, my friends have been begging me to try out Elder Scrolls Online and it is also included. So yea, I caved, but it really is a pretty good value right now. Look it up and see if it goes well.