E3 2019 is officially concluded, and like every other gaming website, it’s time to hand out some awards for the best games and moments of this year’s keystone gaming expo. However, unlike every other gaming website, I tend to do things a little different. I’m not here to tell you the Best Shooter or Best Trailer or Biggest Surprise of E3 2019. Oh no. That’s not what these awards are about at all. You can go to all the other vanilla sites for those awards. These are PartyChat.org’s E3 2019 Awards:
The “We Used Profanity to be Cool” Award – Bethesda
I still laugh when I see this. There’s just something about game developers cursing on stage that makes me giggle. I know that they all, like me, probably have the verbage of a sailor who’s been sailing under Samuel L. Jackson for the last decade. But it’s almost like they only have two ways to say it on stage: cautiously nervous or going full blown hardo. And while other companies had some curse words thrown in as well, Bethesda won with an overall “Fuck Count” of 4, doubling the nearest competitor. Well done gentlemen, stay classy.
The “No One Really Wants to be Here” Award – Everyone at EA Play
This is just one example of the completely unimpressed and disappointed crowd at EA Play this year. And believe me, they weren’t the only ones. Every single developer that was interviewed for their game just looked like they would rather die a slow agonizing death than talk about their game. Even the Jedi: Fallen Order guys, who probably said “it’s a Star Wars game” at least 15 times, just couldn’t handle the stage. Thank god EA hired a bunch of YouTube stars to overcompensate by being way too overly hyped about each interview. Woof.
Runner-up: Everyone trapped in the Square Enix JRPG orgy
The “We’re Not Like Other Blogs, We Count Dogs” Award – Kotaku
I live blogged/tweeted about each conference and I cannot overstate how stupid it is that Kotaku tracked how many dogs were shown at E3. Such a try-hard move. I mean you’re already one of the worst gaming blogs on the internet; doesn’t that set you apart enough? You literally wrote a blog today about how it’s “hard for Japan to change its escalator manners”. In what way is that gaming related? Do you consider riding escalators in Japan to be a game? Are you gonna release a full on walkthrough for the top 10 escalators is Japan? Should you jump the gun and start a dedicated wiki? Or maybe you’d rather talk more about “what happens when your kids develop their own gaming taste”. God the internet really is fully of morons nowadays…
Runner-Up: No one, no one else was near as bad
The “I Cannot Believe You Fucked This Up Award – Marvel’s The Avengers
Ugh. Just ugh. As someone on Twitter mentioned, ” The real problem with the Crystal Dynamics Avengers art isn’t that they look nothing like their MCU counterparts. It’s that they all kind of look like sad middle-aged cosplayers.” I couldn’t have described it better myself. This was such a huge letdown, and it really makes no sense. I mean, you’ve got years and years of character models to look at, and you chose to make blocky bland versions instead. Giant chocolate coated nougaty clusterfuck by Square Enix.
Runner-up: Halo Infinite trailer for making us follow Great Value brand Tony Stark around for 75% of the time.
The “Describe This In A Sentence” Award – TIE, Microsoft and Bethesda
These are the two one-liners that made me pause the broadcast and laugh. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on Ikumi Nakamura at all. She was the best presenter in all of E3 this year. She was funny, genuine, and brought a great energy to the Ghostwire: Tokyo reveal. But her saying “its spooky” just caught me so off guard and made me laugh. Like no shit it’s spooky you guys make horror games! And while she made up for it by being cute and funny for her entire speech, this guy from Microsoft just flopped like a flaccid dick on a windshield in December. “Describe Project Scarlett in one phrase”. Let me see here well it’s powerful, it’s next gen, it’s the closest to PC gaming we’ve ever be-“IT EATS MONSTERS FOR BREAKFAST”. Oh ok Kyle I guess we can…go with that. The most unnecessary sentence in all of E3 2019.
Runner-up: Greg Miller for saying “This is a Star Wars game” about 20 times
The “Beat Your Audience to Death” Award – Square Enix
I mean, do I even need to explain it again? Square Enix literally found every way to lull its audience to sleep, then suddenly jolted them alive with a tease for…ANOTHER JRPG. I was lost for words, so these guys’ reactions were incredible. Go follow Quackity on YouTube if you enjoyed this, because they did this reaction for every conference.
Runner-Up: Ubisoft for showing 5 DLC trailers and some mobile games in the middle of their conference.
And that’s all I have for you all today. Overall, I thought E3 2019 was okaaayyy, with most developers other than Nintendo clearly holding back until next year with the next generation of consoles coming out Holiday 2020. We still haven’t heard much from Sony so be on the lookout for a surprise from them. Until then, stay safe and remember: online bullying is never OK…unless they deserve it for being a bunch of useless fucking cum munchers and getting no gold medals while playing DPS DEREK YOU FUCKING CHODE.