Recently, I have engaged in this brand new thing that just debuted in 2019 called a “Twitter argument”.
Basically, what happens is someone tweets a controversial or polarizing opinion (or really just anything) and people will comment about how they’re wrong. Then the original tweeter responds with a counterpoint, and this just keeps going back and forth until someone is blocked, muted, or both sides agree to disagree. It’s a helluva good way to spend a Thanksgiving afternoon (because that’s exactly what I did).
Now listen, some people fucking suck. You know that saying “opinions are like assholes: everyone’s got one and most of them stink”? Well, some people have their heads so far up their assholes that all they can breathe is their own crap. It doesn’t matter how much data, knowledge, or logic you throw at them, they will still at the end of the day say you’re a biased piece of shit and I fucked your mother and you’re a fucking moron poo-poo head. You can’t win against those people, but what you can do is make them look like absolute fools. But how? How do you take the biggest fanboy who thinks their company is the best in the world regardless of the facts and bring them to their knees? Um, like this:
Nintendo
What’s every Nintendo fanboy’s first approach to an argument? Pointing out how great the first-party exclusives are. And yes, I agree. Astral Chain, Breath of the Wild, Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Super Mario Odyssey, and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate are all absolutely incredible titles. I would have to be a complete idiot to deny that fact. But that’s where the list of “must-plays” ends. Luigi’s Mansion 3 is good, but not great. Super Mario Maker 2 is fun until you realize that people are just fucking evil and you would rather enjoy life than play the same impossible level over and over again. Pokemon Sword and Shield is the first Pokemon game released on home console but it has the quality of a 3DS title (in a bad way). And the rest of the big exclusives from Nintendo fall into two categories: ports (like Mario Kart 8 or Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze), generic JRPGs (like Octopath Traveler) or kiddie garbage (like Yoshi and Kirby). Now, let’s talk about the big glaring hole that these fanboys constantly overlook: 3rd party games. Outside of indies, the Switch is the absolute worst way to experience any 3rd party game. I don’t know about any of you, but I kinda like to play triple-A games with graphics that don’t look like 6-year-old Playdoh sculptures. All of these games and many more look like trash compared to the other platforms; DOOM, Wolfenstein 2, Skyrim, The Witcher 3, Dark Souls. And it’s not just the graphics! The developers must HATE that they have to take their brand new 2019 title and port it to a console that is a complete generation behind technologically, which is why many of them have tons of bugs and technical issues even though the regular version of the game was released 6 months prior to the Switch version. And why is it behind? Because NINTENDO JUST CAN’T BE NORMAL.
Why can’t you just make a regular video game console instead of all this gimmicky horseshit? It’s 2019 and no one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to play games with fucking motion controls. It was cool for about a day on the Wii until we realized that, hey, maybe we don’t want to act like a ballerina with Parkinson’s syndrome every time we want to play your games. You know what would fix that? Making a normal ass console with a normal-sized controller. Yes, I’m talking about the Joy-Cons. Again, cool for about a week, but I’m not a child anymore Nintendo. I have big boy hands now and I would really like them to not cramp after an hour or so of playing your games (and I shouldn’t have to pay $50 for a standard controller). Finally, my biggest complaint: why the fuck can you guys not figure out online gaming? This shit has been around for almost two decades but I still can’t play co-op or competitive online games on Switch without crippling lag and/or latency. I should be able to play Super Smash Bros. Ultimate without Kirby endlessly floating in the air until he zooms off the map and dies.
The Nintendo Switch is a fun concept with some excellent first-party titles, but from a technical standpoint its years behind its competitors, which is a fucking problem.
PlayStation
I’m not gonna lie: PlayStation has killed it with the PS4. They didn’t start off great (launched with Knack and Killzone: Shadow Fall, both horrible games), but they made up for it with probably the best exclusive lineup of all consoles this generation. You cannot argue against the brilliance of Bloodborne, God of War, Horizon: Zero Dawn, inFamous: Second Son, Marvel’s Spiderman, Ratchet and Clank and Persona 5. But, even with all of that, there’s plenty of shit I can point out. First off, the DualShock controller is overrated. The analog sticks mechanically are great (better than the OG Xbox One controller even), and I recognize that the offset vs. inline layout of the sticks is more of a preference thing, but you cannot honestly tell me that you prefer those stupid ass L+R buttons over triggers. And I love how fanboys try to talk about the lightbar and touchpad as big innovations when they literally do almost nothing. They aren’t useful for over 80% of the games released on that console. And if that breakdown didn’t convince you, think of this: there is a licensed Xbox style controller for PS4, but no Dualshock style controller for Xbox One. Why? Because no one likes it other than Sony fanboys. Second, PlayStation has virtually no space in the rapidly growing competitive gaming scene. eSports and streaming as a whole is booming. While Xbox has titles like Bleeding Edge, Halo Infinite and Crossfire X on the horizon, PlayStation has nothing exclusive. You get a bit of a pass when you’re making some of the best narrative-driven games of all time, but those only last for a month at most. Wake up Sony, or you’re going to lose a pretty significant chunk of your player base to Xbox and PC.
Finally, let’s talk next-gen. Have you seen the leaked images of the PS5? I hope that is a joke because that design is fucking horrible. Who did they hire to draw that up? The designer of the original Xbox? And speaking of the PS5, does anyone know what is going to be on it? I’m sure Ghost of Tsushima will probably be a launch title, but what else? What is the point of buying a PS5 on launch day vs. sticking with my PS4 Pro? I get that we’re a year away from the actual launch and E3 2020 will likely answer that question, but at the moment, no one can answer this question.
Xbox
Out of all the fanbases that argue how great their consoles are, the Xbox community frustrates me the most. And that’s because they literally have NOTHING to brag about this generation. I’ve talked about this so much since I started this site that I’m going to sound like a broken record, but I cannot name a single exclusive that is a must-play for the Xbox One. And when I say “must-play”, I’m saying people should go out of their way to buy this console so they can play this game (like I did when I bought a Switch for Super Mario Odyssey and Breath of the Wild). The closest title is The Master Chief Collection, which is just a collection of remastered ports. Sunset Overdrive was good, but you will live if you don’t play it. Sea of Thieves and State of Decay are mediocre compared to other shared-world multiplayer games like The Division and Destiny. Crackdown 3? LOL. Forza? LOLOL. And that brings us to the two Xbox flagships, Gears and Halo. Ever since Bungie and Epic Games moved on, these two franchises have been on cruise control. Halo 4 was absolute garbage, and while Halo 5 was significantly better, it still doesn’t hold a candle to the original trilogy. The same hold true with Gears 4 and Gears 5. I mean just yesterday the community manager for Gears 5 announced that they are basically moving on from the title. And there are people saying that game deserved a GOTY nod!
I think videogamedunkey says it best:
“While Sony and Nintendo kept turning up the heat with ambitious games like Mario Odyssey, Uncharted 4, God of War, Breath of the Wild, the Xbox One has coasted by on being the system you get because your friends have Xbox.”
And that’s so fucking true. I only own an Xbox One because I have stubborn ass friends who prefer its controller and UI over everything. But those same friends complain CONSTANTLY about the same issues I have with this system. They hate the new Halo and Gears. They hate all the exclusives that have come out. And even with Project Scarlett on the horizon, there’s nothing really drawing them to stick with the console. That’s why we’re all making the jump to gaming PC in the next few months! Halo Infinite? It’ll be on PC. Bleeding Edge? PC. All the other titles? ALL ON PC.
Now, looking toward the future, I will say that I like the direction Microsoft is going. The studio acquisitions, the Game Pass, the push for cross-platform; there is a chance that they turn this all around. But at the moment, there’s no fanbase that has more reason to shut the fuck up than the Xbox community.
Let me clear up a few things: I love all of these consoles. I have owned an Xbox One longer than any of the other current-gen consoles. I love my Switch and all the games I’ve played on it. And, if you couldn’t tell, I think that PlayStation has won this generation by a landslide. But all of these brands, like any other company, have pros and cons.
My main point I’m trying to make is this: I don’t care what color dick you suck (blue, green or red), don’t ever get in an argument with me on Twitter or I’ll fucking bury you.
