You know what sucks? Blogging about a game you’ve never played before. You know why it sucks? Because you could be like the only villager screaming from the top of your lungs about how the city is on fire even though you can smell smoke, you feel the heat, and you yourself are on. fire. and no one will believe you because you “hAvEn’T aCtUaLlY pLaYeD tHe GaMe”. That’s how I felt about Anthem. Look I wanted it to be a good game, I really did. I wanted BioWare to recover from the catastrophe that was Mass Effect Andromeda. I wanted to be able to fly around as Iron Man with my friends and actually have fun. But then, I grew used my brain and said “um, the likelyhood of this happening is less that 10%”. Then I played the beta which was boring as shit yet everyone was like “no no no its a beeeeeta. The real game will have all this fixed in the two weeks they have until the game is released“. Hey guess what? They didn’t. Oh, and it sucked even more ass than the beta. But you know what really makes my blood fucking boil?? The fact that it sold $100M worth of revenue in March. A million fucking idiots gave EA a ton of money for that game, knowing full well that it would sucks ass, but bought it anyway. Guys, get smarter. Listen to me. I am the almighty. I know all, I see all. And also ignore the fact that every single movie I’ve named a must watch in the last 4 months has sucked. It’s okaaaay. Trusssst in me.

Onto a game I’ve barely played:

Numbuh 2: Outer Wilds

Ah yes, Camping Simulator 19. It’s a significant jump over the 2018 edition because you can actually eat the smores you make oh and the sun goes supernova after 22 minutes of gameplay and there is a planet that is engulfed by tornados that should you end up in said tornado it launches you back into space to die. More on that in a bit…Outer Wilds is an adventure game first and foremost, so don’t expect any combat or guns. Your goal, is to play through the same 22 minutes window over and over again as you discover more and more about how you got to this planet, who this banjo guy is, why women are fucking nuts, and the secret to love. I played about 2 hours of this game last night and I couldn’t put the controller down. You never really feel that stressed out that you’re wasting any of the 22 minutes; you’re just drawn to explore the universe. Hell, one time I just stayed near the fire the whole time just to try to bone the banjo guy. Result: he was aroused yet oddly uninterested.

Let me explain what my first 22 minute run was like. I “wake up” at the campfire, roast a marshmellow, go grab some launch codes and hop into my spaceship. I then launch away from my current planet until it looks like something from Super Mario Galaxy, and I fly to a nearby greenish planet. When I enter the atmoshpere, I realize that I am fucked. There are like 20 giant tornados just moving around this planet which is covered in water (so they’re more like cyclones? Cue Baby Bash 🙂 I notice that there are some ruins floating just on the cusp of the planet’s atmosphere, so I try to land on them. I apparently launched toward them too fast and damaged my ship. Here’s where it starts to get good: my ship tells me to go outside and repair the ship. I’m like “OK, sounds good”. I throw on my suit and get out of my ship. It is then that I immediately realize there is nothing causing me to stay near my ship in space and I start to drift away. Luckily, I drift into the planets atmosphere…just to fall into water. At this point, I’m like “um, I guess I lose? I need to kill myself.” So I try to swin to one of the cyclones. When I reach the cyclone it fucking launches me into deep space and I basically drifted aimlessly for the next 5 minutes until the sun went full on supernova and blew up everything. And I woke up back at the campfire. And did it all again almost exactly the same way just to figure out that you aren’t supposed to go to those ruins at all. But I have to say the way the game is just a complete open world to explore and investigate is extremely unique and once I figure out how to fly the fucking ship I think I’m gonna have a great time.

Outer Wilds is available on Xbox One and PC.