Tonight marks a penultimate moment in American history. It’s a turning point not only for this country but for the entire world. Many say that we could be heading to war based on the outcome. Honestly, I’ve never been more stressed out in my life.
As I sit here typing this blog within the confines of my white-walled office lit by the glow of fluorescent light tubes, I cannot help but think of the events that have to lead us to this point. All the violence and bloodshed of our forefathers. All the quarreling and bickering by the people that we thought were fit to lead us. It all boils down to this final moment.
But none of that matter anymore as we head toward tonight. And I will ask only two things of you as you continue to read this blog: have an open mind and when the time comes, make the decision that you will not regret when you lay your head down to sleep. Don’t look back on this evening with remorse. Look back on tonight as the night that you decided to stand for what you believe.
So, at 8pm ET/5pm PT, there is only one question to be asked of the United States of America:
What is the best french onion dip of all time?
Favorites
Dean’s
Dean’s is I think probably the most popular french onion dip on the planet. Think about the last family barbeque you went to. What dip was on the table? Probably Dean’s, and for good reason. It nails the classic french onion dip taste but it stands out even more for it’s endurance in high temperature conditions. Think about it: when you first remove it from refridgeration, it’s cold enough to snap any undeserving weak ass chip in half. But over time, it softens up into it’s perfect form.
Heluva Good
This is my personal favorite. Not as durable as Dean’s but it makes up for it with a creamy texture that makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Very few products have that “homemade” feel straight out of the tub like Heluva Good, but this dip makes you feel like your mamma slaved over the stovetop all morning to really bring out those elite caramelized juices from fresh garden-grown onions. Just don’t leave it out in the sun too long or it will turn into french onion soup (which honestly, I would probably slurp right up no cap).
Pretenders
Reser’s
There’s nothing directly wrong with Reser’s. It’s a fine dip. Good texture, great taste, but it just doesn’t have that “x-factor” you know? If you did a blind taste test, 9 times outta 10 this is the one that is firmly in the middle. It’s not bad, but it’s not elite. I’ll eat it, but you’ll never see me go out of my way to buy it unless I’m baked out of mind at 11pm stumbling around a CVS and it’s the only brand I can find. Which to clarify…never happened…
Kraft
Again, it’s ok but not any better than ok. It just tastes too processed to me. Also, if there is one dip that is notorious for having that nasty “dip juice” sitting at the top of the container when you first open it, it’s Kraft. Also, not really going to dock it too many points for this, but that might be the worst cover art out of all the options listed in this blog.
Trash
Lay’s
First off, this tastes like shit. It’s not good. Texturally, you can tell they just put everything in a blender and pureed the fuck out of it. There are no tiny chunks of onion or even any color from a finely diced green onion, which literally is the only defining characteristic of french onion dip. Also, let’s talk about the obvious: the container choice is possibly the worst of all-time for any dip. Imagine trying to scoop out of a 1/3 full container? Whole lotta fallen warriors gonna end up at the bottom of that jar on the way to the trash can where it belongs.
Heluva Good (Greek Style)
If you eat this dip, fuck. you. Fuck you and the plane you came on. Fuck you and your “but-I’m-trying-to-be-healthy” ass. There is only one type of yogurt-based dip that is acceptable and it is the one that comes with fruit trays to dip your grapes and strawberries in. This is like when you go to the store and ask your mom for some dip but she thinks her hips are getting a little too big and she knows if she buys it she will end up snacking on it after you go to bed so she picks something that costs less Weight Watchers points. And so she sits there, at 1am in the morning, dipping carrot sticks in this shit, balling her eyes out because it’s simply a tease of actually good dip. That’s what you’re doing when you buy this dip: supporting the sufferage of mothers across the nation.
Simply Truth Organic
Red Flag #1: they put a dip in a spreadable butter container.
Red Flag #2: they call their dip “plant based” when it’s ALREADY NAMED AFTER A PLANT.
Save yourself; don’t even try it.
Lastly, A Note On Chips
There is only one acceptable vehicle for a perfect scoop of french onion dip: a wavy, oil-fried, potato chip. I’ve disowned people in my own family for trying to use veggies, Tostitos Scoops, and even crackers to dip in their dip. It’s immoral.
You see, my decision for a wavy, oil-fried, potato chip isn’t just based on preference. It’s based on science. A traditional potato chip is too thinly sliced and filled with pockets of air, compromising its structural integrity. However, I happen to know as a former employee of the global leader for potato chip and snack products that wavy chips are cut slightly thicker than traditional chips to reduce the possibility of large bubbles forming inside the chip. In addition, the ridged texture actually supports the chip while under the load of a massive scoop of dip.
Simply put: wavy, oil-fried, potato chips are designed specifically for dipping in french onion dip. So use them; don’t try to reinvent the wheel.
Also, if you ever wanted to know why chip bags are always “only half full of chips and the rest is air”, it’s actually not air. It’s nitrogen. Air would make the chips stale just like when you leave a bag unopened and unclipped for a few days. Nitrogen keeps them fresh and crispy. As to why there is “so much air”, it’s actually engineered to have the minimum amount possible to protect chips from breaking in transportation while still filling the bag as much as possible. No bullshit.
So there you have it. You are now as informed as you possibly can be to participate in the greatest debate of our generation.
