Yes, you’re right. I’ve hit rock bottom.
I’ve run out of stuff to talk about. Nothing is going on in the gaming world worth of this satirical blogging art that I try to pawn off as “games media”.
We’re still a few weeks away from the Justin Timberlake meme flooding our social media apps and that’s really when gaming is going to pick up with huge titti-…I mean, titles like Resident Evil Village and Mass Effect Legendary Remastered Shiny Collection come out.
Look how shiny.
So until then, we’re stuck with filler content like this. And what better way to follow up a day of back and forth with famed esports journalist Richard Lewis than exposing my personal list of virtual e-girls I have a strange and probably demented desire to bone.
So let’s get right into it:
Honorable Mention: Cortana
Ah, young love…
Be honest: we all realized what that thing dangling between our legs was for because of Cortana. She stole the hearts of many and was probably many young adolescents’ first deposit to the spank bank. I have zero clue why because she’s, um, blue everywhere and doesn’t have a vagina. Is that why I get a boner every time I hear this song too?
5. Sara Ryder – Mass Effect Andromeda
What’s one of the most underrated parts of doing the deed? Eye contact. And no character in the history of gaming has better eye contact than the one and only Sara Ryder. I mean she just looks at you and leaves you speechless every time. The only annoying part is she seems like she’d be hard to read and, in turn, might be pretty indecisive. Like she might have multiple responses to the same question and it may take a long time for her to respond while she tries to figure out which is the best path to go down.
But other than that, HOT.
4. Darlene Fleischermacher – Dead Rising 3
Now this broad, she knows exactly what she wants. And thank god you’d never have to worry about the dreaded “where do you want to eat” dilemma; it doesn’t matter. I mean she carries a giant fork everywhere she goes, which is kinda worrying since it could be used as a weapon if you offend her but what could you possibly say about her to do that?
She’s got all the curves you could ask for and think about this: she rides a scooter all day. Why? To conserve energy. Energy that can be used for other, more satisfying activities.
(I just cringed so hard typing that last sentence…)
3. Mom – Binding of Issac
Talk about a MILF.
The best thing about Mom is you already know you won’t have to worry about the kid. He seems to have enough going on in his own mind to try to interfere with your pursuits of this absolute dime. You know the best part about Mom? She’s a fucking tease. This is the only known image of her and that means you can let your imagination run WILD about the rest of her body.
And before you mention it, yes I see all the blood clots. But fun fact: blood clots are actually a good thing that your body does. They’re like band-aid’s on the inside of her body, which really just shows how much pain this poor soul has gone through in her life. And can you blame her? Have you seen what Issac’s father looks like?
2. Clotho – God of War 2
Many people don’t know this, but Clotho was the original “stepbrother help, I’m stuck”. She’s a trendsetter. All the semi-incestual pleasure you’ve witnessed over the last few years is because of her.
Also…BOOBA HUMMINA HUMMINA HOOGA BOOGA HUBBA HUBBA BIG BOUNCY FUN BAG JELLY SQUISHY MILK BALLOON TITTY BOOBIES!!! UWU BIG BOOBY MOMMY MILKERS CHERRIES BIG KNOCKER SEXY BIG BOOBAS! HOOGA HOOGA BIG CHUNKY TITS! BOOBS!
1. Broodmother – Dragon Age
And we finally come to the pinnacle of video game beauty: the Broodmother.
Ass? She got a donk. A big onle fatty dumpy.
Tits? SHE’S GOT 5 SETS OF BIG OLE MOMMY MILKERS.
And finally, you’ve got the added mystery of the tentacles. I-
Ok I can’t keep going. Congrats to everyone that made it this far. You took the bait. You are a 100% certified angus beef horndog. Go take a shower.