Let me preface that I am not a game developer. I’ve only made a simple java game in a high school class in game design; this shitty topdown plane shooter that played much like Space Invaders but somehow looked worse. So I literally have no idea the amount of work that goes into making a triple-A title like Call of Duty, Valorant, League of Legends, or even Super Mario Odyssey.
But I have a fuck ton of ideas. Now you know as the saying goes, ideas are like assholes; everyone’s got one and the smart ones are sharing it on OnlyFans to make bookooh money. Lots of people think they know what would make a good game, but do they really?
How many games are actually original nowadays? Look at games that came out 5 years ago like Cuphead or Hollow Knight. These are considered some of the best indie games of all time because the developers poured everything into them. They had a clear original idea for what they wanted and spend years polishing that idea until it became the final product…only for someone else to literally clone their idea later on.
Here’s 2017’s Cuphead…
And here’s Enchanted Portals, a game currently under Kickstarter campaign that literally looks the same but worse.
Now video game clones aren’t anything new; they’ve been around for decades. When Super Mario Bros came out in the 80s everyone tried to replicate their success with their own 2D platformers. Grand Theft Auto spawned a bazillion open-world driving games. Hell, people are even trying to replicate the success of that Super Seducer game by trying to make Colonel Sanders a Japanese sex icon.
Extra crispy? More like extra cringy…like this joke…
*what the fuck am i doing anymore*
Anywho, I don’t have clone ideas. I have some fully fleshed out original games already designed in my head from start to finish. I just have no motivation or skill to actually make them for the next 5-10 years of my life.
So here they are. Game developers: you’re welcome. I’m giving you free access to my brain. Make me proud.
Blood and Rum
Think for a second how many pirate games exist right now. There’s Sea of Thieves which is more about playing with your friends than any type of storytelling, same goes for Greedfall, and then there are all those puzzle games that are pirate-themed. Skull & Bones from Ubisoft was supposed to release like 5 years ago but that was only going to be naval combat. Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag was phenomenal but wasn’t 100% committed to the pirate thing due to the Assassins vs Templars arcs.
So I’ve been sitting back, thinking about GTA 6 and replaying Red Dead Redemption 2, and then it hit me: Rockstar should absolutely make a pirate game. They are the perfect fit. Their blend of serious and goofy is exactly what a true pirate game needs. Imagine walking around Tortuga or Port Royal filled with wacky GTA-like pirates.
And my plan for the story would be about a formerly retired pirate being pulled into some wild goose chase for gold by some young kid and having to race all his former rivals (and some new) to the treasure. There’s all these twists I’ve come up with as well like when they get there the kid reveals he’s working for the East India Trading Company and it was all a trap to lure all the pirates in, one of the newer rivals happens to be the main character’s son, etc.
Also, there’s so much pirate lore already written that could be content for side quests. Like you could have a whole arc about finding all the legendary pirate ships that have sunk like the Flying Dutchmen, Queen Anne’s Revenge, etc. Your could recruit whoever you want to be on your crew and they all have their own side missions. There’s so much you could do with this idea.
Tell me you wouldn’t buy that game. You can’t. I know you’d fucking love it because I’d fucking love it. I’m telling you: billionaire.
MEME WARS
Deck battling games are a classic genre. Hearthstone, Magic: the Gathering, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh; the list goes on and on. But what’s the main problem with deck battlers? They’re way too complicated.
Enter Meme Wars: where all the cards are memes you already know. There is no meta, only chaos. Production for the whole game will be focused on making everything as over the top as possible. Cards get obliterated by other cards. Your opponent’s avatars are the internet troll memes and they get really aggravated if you roast them with other cards. You don’t have health, you have a rage meter. Your goal is to literally, as Barstool’s pro memer Vindog would say, “meme them to death”.
It’s not meant to be competitive. It’s meant to be a game that makes you and your friends laugh as you play each other.
Tell me you wouldn’t play it. You would. 100%. You all already are memeing the fuck out of each other on Twitter all day anyway. Now you can have a true winner in a game.
Fear No Evil
Think about how many horror games have come out in the last 20 years, and yet we have still not gotten a true “exorcist” type game. It’s almost an unexplored genre. Usually, horror games have you trying to escape some haunted location or violently murder demons/zombies/psychos. But where’s the game where you travel from location to location casting demonic souls out of young kids?
I know some of you are like “um…that’s Phasmophobia”, but I’m talking even deeper storytelling. Like you’re a priest, let’s name him Michael, and you’re starting to question your faith. You get pulled into the world of exorcism and travel with a mentor to various locations across the world exorcising different demons until finally, you learn that you are Michael the archangel who was tricked into falling from heaven and lost all your memory. And all the demons you’ve cast out have basically been manipulating you into thinking that your brother Lucifer was actually right to defy God, so you have to choose at the climax to side with him or cast him back to hell.
This may sound like a walking sim or something but think about all the crazy shit that happens in Insidious or The Conjuring or even the small things that happen in Phasmophobia. Now imagine that all turned way the fuck up in a game and you had to exorcise like 4-5 of those. Fucking wild right?
I have a ton more too. A dating simulator game that actually pairs you with people that you could go on e-dates with in real life, a game where you follow the rise and fall of a rockstar, Overwatch 2 but released before I die, etc.
I’m a frothy fountain of phenomenal billionaire ideas. So DM me game devs, let’s get fucking rich.
