Someone DM’d me on Twitter asking if I could give a brief summary of the entire Gears of War story. At first I thought “um hello, there are about 2000 YouTube videos created by a community of fanboys that have already done that for you, why do you want me to do it”. But then I remembered that it is my civic duty as a blogger to adhere to all requests made by my community that are within reason, so here we go:


We start the series on the planet Sera (because Earth was just too convenient). Humans have evolved into these big brutes and sexy badasses because some idiot about 70 years ago decided to put growth hormones in the corn. Underground, bugs have also been eating the same corn and have evolved into a new race known as “The Locust” (because all the other bugs don’t eat corn duh you dumb fucking idiot). Marcus Chungus, leader of the military group know as the COG (and that stands for Corn Obsessed Guard), along with his friends Dominic Toretto, Demon Bird, and Coal Train, are working on a plan to destroy the Locust by using a “Lightmass Bomb” to blow up their underground tunnels. Along the way, rookie recruit Anthony Carmine gets his head popped off by a sniper, and a sentient Locust named General RAAM (*pauses 2 minutes to lol at that name*) kills their actual squad leader, Kim Jong Un. The first game actually has a very bland story, but it does a great job introducing the characters and world of Gears. After about 10 hours, they finally kill General RAAM (*giggles again*) and blow up the tunnels, but there were actually way, way, way more tunnels than that so they came out with another game:


Six months after the events of Gears of War, the “Lightmass Bomb” explosion has caused an underground chemical known as HYPE Energy Drink to vaporize, causing a disease known as “rustlung” to spread across the human population that shares Juuls with each other. Also, after two cities have disappeared underground, there are some that believe that maybe, just maybe, The Locust aren’t completely gone (because just one city disappearing underground is normal, but two? Two means something’s afoot). The whole gang gets back together and they head deep into the Locust’s tunnels to attack them head on, which is just a brilliant military strategy idk why more people don’t do that. There, they discover that The Locust have partnered with the Decepticons and are using the giant worm robot from Transformers: Dark of the Moon to sink the human inhabited cities. They eventually go inside the giant worm, where they get Benji Carmine killed when he gets his organs eaten by the easiest enemy grub in the game. (That is real, that is not a joke). Outside of the worm, they find Dom’s wife, Selena Gomez, who’s been permanently damaged Justin Bieber’s penis, and Dom ends up killing her to put her out of her misery. This was actually one of the more surprising moments in the game, because the dev team took time out of the gory violent gameplay to tell a heartbreaking story, and they executed it very well. Inside the Locust Stronghold, they discover that the Locust are actually locked in a civil war with a new breed called the “Lambent”, which are just Locusts who’ve been drinking HYPE Energy and explode when they die. Eventually, the team uses the Hammer of Dawn to shoot a giant laser from a satellite in space and destroy the Locust stronghold, which in turn destroys the largest human inhabited city. In the end, the Locust Queen still survives, and we find out Marcus’s dad is still alive, which sets up the best campaign in the series:


This game was my jam in high school. Set two years later, the human population has relocated to a giant helicopter carrier in an effort to rebuild. Using their enhanced abilities gained from HYPE Energy, the Lambent have figured out how to attack the ship in the middle of the water and kill two high ranking humans, one of which tells Marcus that his dad is alive and where to find him. So, the team groups up and heads out, with rookie Clayton Carmine joining the squad (so you already know he’s gonna die). While on their mission, they discover that the HYPE Energy is turning humans into Lambent as well, and they end up cornered in a church by a group of social media influencers who are spamming them about how much better HYPE Energy is than Red Bull. During extraction, Dom sacrifices himself by driving his 1970 Dodge Charger into the group, causing an explosion that allows the others to escape. It really is a heartbreaking moment; I’d put it in the top 10 most heartbreaking moments in video game history for me. The group replaces Dom with Ice-T (that is not a lie), and they finally make it to the island where Marcus’s dad lives. There, they discover that Marcus’s dad has actually found a way to destroy everything evil in the world, using the crrrrrrrr sound from an AM radio. The group holds off waves of Locust and Lambent using the Hammer of Dawn, until Marcus’s dad sacrifices himself to turn on the radio. Everyone dies: Locust, Lambent, and social media influencers (but not Clayton Carmine babyeeee he lives!) Marcus is distraught at the loss of both his best friend and father, but that doesn’t last too long cause this blonde slut named Anya says that now that everyone’s dead they can fuck, and their baby grows up to to be the new main character. But that doesn’t happen until after the spinoff entry known as:


Demon Bird and Coal Train are on trial for basically saving everyone, and right before they’re executed, the Locust invade and everyone says “Bird, Coal, save us” so they do and they’re pardoned and yea that’s the entire game. So let’s move onto:


25 year years after the events of the original trilogy, Marcus’s son JD Wentworth 877-CASHNOW and his friends have abandoned the COG because they don’t like corn anymore, and join an outsider village. To help their village, they steal a machine from a nearby COG base, which the leader Jin from the K-POP boy band BTS did not like at all. He sends his group of background dancing robots to assault the village, but a new breed of monster attacks the village and kidnaps leaders Reyna and Oscar. They dub the new enemy “The Swarm” for absolutely no fucking reason, and they go find an old Marcus Chungus to ask him for help. Marcus isn’t happy with JD for again, no fucking reason, but he agrees to help because he misses the bloodbath of killing non-human enemies with his chainsaw bayonet. They discover that the AM radio didn’t kill the Locust; it just made them dormant for 25 years as they evolved into the new Swarm. It’s at this point in the game I realized that The Coalition must not own the rights to the Gears of War universe, because they’ve spent literally 6 hours of the campaign renaming the enemy when its really been the same fucking corn insects the whole time. After another 4 hours of campaign, they find the hive mind of the Swarm, where Reyna is being held, and Reyna’s daughter Kait has to kill her in order to destroy the hive mind. Kait then discovers that Reyna was actually the daughter of the Locust Queen, making Kait the new heir to the Locust throne, which sets up the most recent entry:


Yep, that’s about the only interesting moment in this game. You really want the summary? *Spoiler Alert*

The first thing you’ll notice in this title is they dropped the “of War” part, and there’s a reason. The lead studio, The Coalition, added about 50% more “open world fetch quests” to the campaign and threw everything good about the series right out the fucking window. The group from Gears 4 rejoins the COG to battle the swarm and guess what, they decide they need the Hammer of Dawn. Shocker. Meanwhile, Kait is having a mental health breakdown because her mom’s mom was the Locust Queen, and she don’t really wanna be no Locust Queen ya feel? So guess what, halfway through the campaign she makes up her mind and decides she’s not gonna be the next Locust Queen. Then, they discover that Kait didn’t actually kill her mom in Gears 4 and that Reyna has become the new Locust Queen instead. Queen Reyna has this new giant beast with a completely-original-not-stolen-at-all name: The Krakken. Reyna yells “RELEASE THE KRAKKEN” and Kait whispers “no”, and they blow up the Krakken with the Hammer of Dawn. The game ends with Marcus telling Kait that Queen Reyna will return, and Kait says “oh yea, well not if I find her first” which leads into the upcoming game:

THIS IS US: A Gears of War Story